Battlefields

   So for the past few weeks I've been going dreading my return to school. A majority of my depression has always been deep rooted in school, but i'm hoping i can keep myself together this year. I do guess that most of the problems i have at school are of my own creation, but i can't help it, I'm just different and not everyone likes that. Although, i will say that it's hard to be happy in a place where everyone seems to hate you. :/
  Everyone has to face there own battlefields to fight on, for me, it's school. However, I don't think things will ever get as bad as they were last year. I'm happy to say that it's been about 8 months that i haven't hurt about myself and i haven't though about losing my fight in awhile either. I might be alone at school but at least i have my little phone in my pocket which is my 24-hour connection to my favorite person ever.
   Shit, i'm rambling again. Well, i found a song that says what i wanted to say in this blog so it might be easier if you just listened to it :x.

Linky link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oX6h5jmjk_o&feature=related

Friendship?

After a long year of recovery and a semi-permanent hiatus from my blog and vlog, what do I have to show for my time off? I can partially assemble a plushy and ruin the hemline of a skirt, I can almost fail my high school classes, and I can successfully drive off every ‘friend’ I thought I had. I’ve been rewriting this article in my head for the past few weeks, trying to word it correctly without sounding cynical. My only hope is to comfort those still going through their own fights in life, to show them that they aren’t alone and possible let them learn from my mistakes.   

For those of you who don’t know, my favorite quote to live by is “Love all, trust a few, and do harm to none” by William Shakespeare.  As it turns out, most people that I share my school hallways like to twist these words and live by their own “Love a few, trust none, and do harm to all.” This has become the major upset in my fight currently, which I hate…a lot.

 So it just so happens to be the 10^th consecutive year that I’ve been hurt and abandoned by what I thought were my friends. Unfortunately, I plan for this to be the last. I’m tired of how much bullshit there comes from friendship. How many times can a person open themselves to others only to get stab in the back and thrown away? Also, do such cold people know that if you stab a person’s back long enough, it will eventually bleed out the heart? Needless to say, friendship comes at a heavy price, but it also cost just as much to lack it.

I’ve noticed that friends offer a sort of social armor; if you have those people are less likely to bully you. I’ve also noticed something else; no one makes fun of a person for not being in (boyfriend/girlfriend) relationship but they jump at the chance to attack you if you don’t have friends. I’d really like to know why? Are current day relationships seen lesser than temporary friendships? Maybe I’m missing the big picture here but I’ve decided to come back to my blog and take a hiatus from people. But this doesn’t mean that a fight cannot be fought by you, because without other people trying to change me, I can be whoever I damn well please!  

I’ve been rewriting this article in my head for the past few weeks, trying to word it correctly without sounding cynical. My only hope is to comfort those still going through their own fights in life, to show them that they aren’t alone and possible let them learn from my mistakes…and I’m rambling again >.<   

P.S- I have one friend who I’ll never ever give up on, because he’s worth the risk. I love you Clayton 

little facts about me

While i know i haven't updated my blog in quite some time, i thought it might be nice to give my readers a little more insight about who i am.

1.Strawberries are my favorite fruit.
2.My favorite color changes depending on my mood
3.I trim my own bangs because i don't like them to be perfectly straight
4.Even though i'm not a morning person, i love to wake up and watch the sunlight stream in through my window
5.jolly ranchers, Cheetos, ranch dressing, ritz cracker, nutella crepes, panda express, and spaghetti are probably my favorite foods (not together though)
6.i love coloring, it helps me calm down
7.i brush my teeth with watermelon flavored toothpaste :3
8.thunder, Elvis Presley, centipedes, and snakes scare me
9.some days i really hate talking
10.i'm addicted to crane machines
11.some days i feel like i should've been born a tree or a fox or something   
12.most days i feel like a complete loser unless i'm with my boyfriend
13.i'm more selfconscious than most people would think

To be alive

I'm going to jump in and be blunt. This entry won't be pretty, it won't be happy, clean or politically correct. So who gives a damn? I feel like a monstrous piece of shit right now and i'll probably regret posting such complete honesty, but that's what makes it real, was makes it raw, what makes it bleed and feel....because it's alive.
 I almost feel like a hypocrite in writing a blog about fighting for the will to live when i have, without a doubt, struggle with the very thing. I feel like a little worthless shit that's trapped in a human cage. I no longer believe that suicide is an option for me but how am i suppose to carry on living in a loathing agony? It would be simple, and semi-painless and to my knowledge it would be a quick and easy escape. Why not give in? why not quit? Why not trade misery for some sort of relief?
  I'll be honest, the thought of death is something of a bittersweet comfort for me.... but that would be selfish. that would be stupid. that would be childish.
 As much as i would like the pain to end, i don't want to end something with a potential to get better. i don't want to be the chicken-shit teen who chose the easy way out. In the end, deep down in everyone's heart, we all want to die, to escape to the fairy tale land of endless pleasure and comfort. Where pain doesn't live. However, that would be too easy, and life isn't meant to be easy because life is a fight. A down and dirty, bloodthirsty fight that tries to fit in as many cheap shots as possible. If you let life win and get the best of you, then that defeats your one and only purpose of being created. what makes you different from the rest? nothing.
So, even now, when i see no light in living, i refuse to give up. i refuse to be beaten down. life is a helluva fight but i don't plan on throwing in the towel anytime soon.

TWSS

Super Bubble has to be my favorite thing on the planet, how much? Well let's just say that i would be willing to write a one page response about it, WITHOUT PAY! And that says a lot because i am a lazy shit.
So, i'm sitting here raiding the remains of my Halloween candy and i come across two different brands of bubble gum. The first being, Dubble Bubble; an overly hard gum that shoots sugery acid as soon as you chew through the first layer of crust.  The second being Super Bubble; the best gum ever because it's perfectly soft and smooth, think of it more as a wave of amazingness on your tongue. TWSS.

love?

When i was younger, it was easy to fall in love, but now i can't get those feelings back. I miss those days of giant eyes and puppy love but i guess it's better to be honest with yourself even if it isn't fun :/. it mostly sucks though, as most things do.
By now i'm sure you know that this blog is more for rants and deeper subjects so just ignore me whenever i sounds like an emo fuck.

Beauty is an invented concept

It seems that we're all brain washed into thinking orange tans and blond hair it what beauty is. However; beauty isn't being a size 0 with DD's, it's how you act, it hides itself in your humor and how you treat others. It's in your kindness, quirks, and in your talents.
How did we come to forget the meaning of true beauty? It's simple, the media publishes and new magazine each month with yet another toothpick model how seems to be smuggling two bald men in her bra. Why? It's simple, they want us to buy their products and they convince us to by making us think that they could help us reach the newest look of 'perfection/beauty'. Now, these plastered images shadow how we judge people based on looks, which affects how you perceive them. Personally, i think it is completely bullshit to ever judge someone based on outside appearances but i also know that it is human nature.
 I say that beauty needs to be revolutionized; no matter who you are. (yes, you, the one reading this text right now) you are beautiful. If anyone ever tells you that you're not pretty enough, tell them to fuck off because everyone is posses beauty in some fashion, no matter who you are.