Deathly ironic

           Death. It's kind of a funny thing, well not funny but ironic. Take this for example; my grandpa is almost 80, he's survived two different forms of cancer, a war, has wreaked every type of vehicle (airplane to boat), and has lived with my grandma for 50 years. The man is indestructible. Now take my friend Steven for example; 17 years old and healthy, yet he died in his sleep last week, without and apparent reason whatsoever. I don't understand it, not a bit.
        I'll write more on this at a later time.

C-C-Changes

So what do you do when you take a step back from your life and realize that it's made a 180 degree turnaround? What do you do when you realize that you are such a different person from who you were that you no longer recognize who your closest friends were? Why is it that everyone will be there for you when you make a turn for the worst but they make you out as an enemy if you make a turn to better yourself? 
    So I haven't blogged in awhile, but I've had something on my mind for awhile now that I thought would make a good topic. Lately I've noticed that I buck heads with all my friends from middle school and I think I know why, I'm not depressed and pessimistic. When I was in middle school, I surrounded myself with the most depressing and angry people without even realizing it. Now that I'm in High school and now that I don't want to be like that anymore, they all seem to hate me. Was I never suppose to change? Was I always suppose to hate myself so much that I hated being alive? Was I suppose to continue to hurt myself and everyone around me?
Some things I just don't understand, these thing I don't care to.

Battlefields

   So for the past few weeks I've been going dreading my return to school. A majority of my depression has always been deep rooted in school, but i'm hoping i can keep myself together this year. I do guess that most of the problems i have at school are of my own creation, but i can't help it, I'm just different and not everyone likes that. Although, i will say that it's hard to be happy in a place where everyone seems to hate you. :/
  Everyone has to face there own battlefields to fight on, for me, it's school. However, I don't think things will ever get as bad as they were last year. I'm happy to say that it's been about 8 months that i haven't hurt about myself and i haven't though about losing my fight in awhile either. I might be alone at school but at least i have my little phone in my pocket which is my 24-hour connection to my favorite person ever.
   Shit, i'm rambling again. Well, i found a song that says what i wanted to say in this blog so it might be easier if you just listened to it :x.

Linky link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oX6h5jmjk_o&feature=related

Friendship?

After a long year of recovery and a semi-permanent hiatus from my blog and vlog, what do I have to show for my time off? I can partially assemble a plushy and ruin the hemline of a skirt, I can almost fail my high school classes, and I can successfully drive off every ‘friend’ I thought I had. I’ve been rewriting this article in my head for the past few weeks, trying to word it correctly without sounding cynical. My only hope is to comfort those still going through their own fights in life, to show them that they aren’t alone and possible let them learn from my mistakes.   

For those of you who don’t know, my favorite quote to live by is “Love all, trust a few, and do harm to none” by William Shakespeare.  As it turns out, most people that I share my school hallways like to twist these words and live by their own “Love a few, trust none, and do harm to all.” This has become the major upset in my fight currently, which I hate…a lot.

 So it just so happens to be the 10^th consecutive year that I’ve been hurt and abandoned by what I thought were my friends. Unfortunately, I plan for this to be the last. I’m tired of how much bullshit there comes from friendship. How many times can a person open themselves to others only to get stab in the back and thrown away? Also, do such cold people know that if you stab a person’s back long enough, it will eventually bleed out the heart? Needless to say, friendship comes at a heavy price, but it also cost just as much to lack it.

I’ve noticed that friends offer a sort of social armor; if you have those people are less likely to bully you. I’ve also noticed something else; no one makes fun of a person for not being in (boyfriend/girlfriend) relationship but they jump at the chance to attack you if you don’t have friends. I’d really like to know why? Are current day relationships seen lesser than temporary friendships? Maybe I’m missing the big picture here but I’ve decided to come back to my blog and take a hiatus from people. But this doesn’t mean that a fight cannot be fought by you, because without other people trying to change me, I can be whoever I damn well please!  

I’ve been rewriting this article in my head for the past few weeks, trying to word it correctly without sounding cynical. My only hope is to comfort those still going through their own fights in life, to show them that they aren’t alone and possible let them learn from my mistakes…and I’m rambling again >.<   

P.S- I have one friend who I’ll never ever give up on, because he’s worth the risk. I love you Clayton 

little facts about me

While i know i haven't updated my blog in quite some time, i thought it might be nice to give my readers a little more insight about who i am.

1.Strawberries are my favorite fruit.
2.My favorite color changes depending on my mood
3.I trim my own bangs because i don't like them to be perfectly straight
4.Even though i'm not a morning person, i love to wake up and watch the sunlight stream in through my window
5.jolly ranchers, Cheetos, ranch dressing, ritz cracker, nutella crepes, panda express, and spaghetti are probably my favorite foods (not together though)
6.i love coloring, it helps me calm down
7.i brush my teeth with watermelon flavored toothpaste :3
8.thunder, Elvis Presley, centipedes, and snakes scare me
9.some days i really hate talking
10.i'm addicted to crane machines
11.some days i feel like i should've been born a tree or a fox or something   
12.most days i feel like a complete loser unless i'm with my boyfriend
13.i'm more selfconscious than most people would think

To be alive

I'm going to jump in and be blunt. This entry won't be pretty, it won't be happy, clean or politically correct. So who gives a damn? I feel like a monstrous piece of shit right now and i'll probably regret posting such complete honesty, but that's what makes it real, was makes it raw, what makes it bleed and feel....because it's alive.
 I almost feel like a hypocrite in writing a blog about fighting for the will to live when i have, without a doubt, struggle with the very thing. I feel like a little worthless shit that's trapped in a human cage. I no longer believe that suicide is an option for me but how am i suppose to carry on living in a loathing agony? It would be simple, and semi-painless and to my knowledge it would be a quick and easy escape. Why not give in? why not quit? Why not trade misery for some sort of relief?
  I'll be honest, the thought of death is something of a bittersweet comfort for me.... but that would be selfish. that would be stupid. that would be childish.
 As much as i would like the pain to end, i don't want to end something with a potential to get better. i don't want to be the chicken-shit teen who chose the easy way out. In the end, deep down in everyone's heart, we all want to die, to escape to the fairy tale land of endless pleasure and comfort. Where pain doesn't live. However, that would be too easy, and life isn't meant to be easy because life is a fight. A down and dirty, bloodthirsty fight that tries to fit in as many cheap shots as possible. If you let life win and get the best of you, then that defeats your one and only purpose of being created. what makes you different from the rest? nothing.
So, even now, when i see no light in living, i refuse to give up. i refuse to be beaten down. life is a helluva fight but i don't plan on throwing in the towel anytime soon.

TWSS

Super Bubble has to be my favorite thing on the planet, how much? Well let's just say that i would be willing to write a one page response about it, WITHOUT PAY! And that says a lot because i am a lazy shit.
So, i'm sitting here raiding the remains of my Halloween candy and i come across two different brands of bubble gum. The first being, Dubble Bubble; an overly hard gum that shoots sugery acid as soon as you chew through the first layer of crust.  The second being Super Bubble; the best gum ever because it's perfectly soft and smooth, think of it more as a wave of amazingness on your tongue. TWSS.