To be alive

I'm going to jump in and be blunt. This entry won't be pretty, it won't be happy, clean or politically correct. So who gives a damn? I feel like a monstrous piece of shit right now and i'll probably regret posting such complete honesty, but that's what makes it real, was makes it raw, what makes it bleed and feel....because it's alive.
 I almost feel like a hypocrite in writing a blog about fighting for the will to live when i have, without a doubt, struggle with the very thing. I feel like a little worthless shit that's trapped in a human cage. I no longer believe that suicide is an option for me but how am i suppose to carry on living in a loathing agony? It would be simple, and semi-painless and to my knowledge it would be a quick and easy escape. Why not give in? why not quit? Why not trade misery for some sort of relief?
  I'll be honest, the thought of death is something of a bittersweet comfort for me.... but that would be selfish. that would be stupid. that would be childish.
 As much as i would like the pain to end, i don't want to end something with a potential to get better. i don't want to be the chicken-shit teen who chose the easy way out. In the end, deep down in everyone's heart, we all want to die, to escape to the fairy tale land of endless pleasure and comfort. Where pain doesn't live. However, that would be too easy, and life isn't meant to be easy because life is a fight. A down and dirty, bloodthirsty fight that tries to fit in as many cheap shots as possible. If you let life win and get the best of you, then that defeats your one and only purpose of being created. what makes you different from the rest? nothing.
So, even now, when i see no light in living, i refuse to give up. i refuse to be beaten down. life is a helluva fight but i don't plan on throwing in the towel anytime soon.